Struggling through the last month of a very sick household and dealing with all of us feeling like slugs, I have had an epiphany of sorts. I have totally felt like a slug lately. On the weekends I do not want to move off the couch; it’s too much of an effort. There is only one way I am going to achieve renewal and that is to let my body rest. I am not just being lazy and I am giving my body what it is telling me it needs – rest. Being sick has let me realize this in a very real concrete way. No one else lives in my body; no one else can tell me how I feel or what I need to do to feel better. I need to follow what my heart is telling me – even if it’s not a popular decision.

I read this on Tracey Clarke’s blog “I Am Enough” and it really struck me. I mean seriously how overated IS success? Why is my definition of success any less than a Rockefeller because it doesn’t include a house full of fancy stuff?

Listening: sound of my brain clicking away

Reading: Millie’s Fling – on my Kindle! I LOVE my Kindle!

Drinking: plain ‘ole water

Wearing: plum leopard print top, charcoal pants, black socks (I know can you believe it!), and black suede fit sneakers.

Feeling: A bit overwhelmed, trying to process everything I need to do at work, pondering my one little word, and mulling over creative ideas

Wanting: to feel healthier and whole again. I want to feel like I have the energy to keep up with what’s on my mind – at least creatively.

Needing: more peace and serenity

Thinking: of fun projects I can do to keep my word alive within me for the year and wishing I could join the class at BPC.

Enjoying: the sunshine outside my office window. it’s been gloomy the past few days. it’s nice to see the sun!

Wondering: if my word will be able to help me achieve my goal of feeling healthier by the end of the year.

Listening: Christmas music – what else?!

Reading: “The Girl that Played With Fire” – on my new Kindle – oh,yeah!!!!

Drinking: water and lots of milk so I can take my new medication

Wearing: gray pants and a teal t-shirt

Feeling: tired! but the rain always does that to me! good sleeping weather!

Wanting: Christmas break to be here already!!!

Needing: to finish up some shopping.

Thinking: About having fun next week baking, crafting and playing with Logan

Enjoying: sitting at home at night and seeing our beautiful tree rotate on its base and the tiny lights just glistening.

Wondering: what the new year will bring.

Listening: sounds of the landscapers shoveling gravel

Reading: JD Robb The Lost

Drinking: water

Wearing: Hot pink and brown

Feeling: happier

Wanting: the bumps in the road to smooth out

Needing: real medical help – not the fake kind that most doctors dole out

Thinking: as little as possible!

Enjoying: my new optic snowman that plugs into my computer via USB – very cool!

Wondering: how my hair is going to look once all the color is cut off!

I have always loved fall even though I have never really lived anywhere for long that had a very definite fall season with changing leaves and brisk, cool days. I don’t know if it’s because I have always related fall with starting something new (like a school year) or what exactly. Maybe it’s because fall is the usher of the holidays and that just reminds me of fun, happy times with family.

But I am seeing now that a lot of things in my life are in fall right now. Like with Logan. He is now a tween, on that threshold of teenager and young adult but still and forever my baby. He is so grown up and emotionally mature in so many ways and yet he is young, naïve and sheltered. He is opinionated and surprisingly well informed – a sponge – that lacks the wisdom that only comes with age and experience.

And we are at a turning point. A point where a delicate balance could tip us towards being the leaf that deepens into brilliant foliage envied by all or simply the leaf that is brown, brittle and crushed under the feet of those that walk by. I long to be that beautiful red leaf – long cherished and pressed between the pages of a heavy book. I fear being swept away on a windy day like the crumbs of that crushed leaf.

As my baby grows and stretches and finds his way in this world, I too am changing. As I approach that golden year of turning 50 many things are rearing their heads to remind me that I am entering the fall of my life. Writing those words is jolting and surprising but as I breathe in the words and pictures this invokes I feel settled and comfortable. I know who I am and what I can do. I am still learning and growing and finding aspects of myself that have been long hidden or ignored. But it doesn’t change the core of me. As my hair turns gray and my body doesn’t move as well as it used to, I wear out easier and my mind gets a little fuzzy, I embrace the settling and the slowing and the savoring of my life.

Listening: sound of my computer humming

Reading: JD Robb compilation

Drinking: ice water

Wearing: blue mottled t shirt w/ sequins and blue pants

Feeling: exuberant and grateful

Wanting: nothing right now

Needing: to finish painting before company comes next week!

Thinking: about a mini book project on gratitude

Enjoying: thinking about all the people that will be gathered at the house for Thanksgiving

Wondering: how it is all going to come to together – but confident that it will.

And, still, the world keeps turning
the world keeps going
the world does not stop

I will take that strength and push it to the very ends of the Earth and back.
And then a little more and a little more.
I will push and fight until I am empty.
And then find a little more.
I will stretch so far that I am brittle, cracking, fragile.
And then I will find the strength to hold the pieces together.

I am creative; I am analytical.

I am a study in contrasts; I am the same as before.

Lindsey Mead

There is something so poetically beautiful and resounding in these words. And life is truly the moments, the fleeting notes of music, the scraps of paper, time stopped in a photograph.

Cherish each moment and you will see at the end, you cherished life.