I find myself moved to tears as I contemplate the word seasons in relation to my life and not just the weather or earthly changes. And it is interesting that this should come as fall is descending on us.
I have always loved fall even though I have never really lived anywhere for long that had a very definite fall season with changing leaves and brisk, cool days. I don’t know if it’s because I have always related fall with starting something new (like a school year) or what exactly. Maybe it’s because fall is the usher of the holidays and that just reminds me of fun, happy times with family.
But I am seeing now that a lot of things in my life are in fall right now. Like with Logan. He is now a tween, on that threshold of teenager and young adult but still and forever my baby. He is so grown up and emotionally mature in so many ways and yet he is young, naïve and sheltered. He is opinionated and surprisingly well informed – a sponge – that lacks the wisdom that only comes with age and experience.
And we are at a turning point. A point where a delicate balance could tip us towards being the leaf that deepens into brilliant foliage envied by all or simply the leaf that is brown, brittle and crushed under the feet of those that walk by. I long to be that beautiful red leaf – long cherished and pressed between the pages of a heavy book. I fear being swept away on a windy day like the crumbs of that crushed leaf.
As my baby grows and stretches and finds his way in this world, I too am changing. As I approach that golden year of turning 50 many things are rearing their heads to remind me that I am entering the fall of my life. Writing those words is jolting and surprising but as I breathe in the words and pictures this invokes I feel settled and comfortable. I know who I am and what I can do. I am still learning and growing and finding aspects of myself that have been long hidden or ignored. But it doesn’t change the core of me. As my hair turns gray and my body doesn’t move as well as it used to, I wear out easier and my mind gets a little fuzzy, I embrace the settling and the slowing and the savoring of my life.
