I have never in my life been ashamed to be an American until today! I am simply appalled at what is happening to our military families who have lost their serviceman. It is truly disgraceful that funding has stopped going to these families. They have given the ultimate scarifice for our country and the government is turning its back on them.
I don’t want the Affordable Healthcare Act any more than the rest of the 70% of the nation that are against it. However, you people in DC need to get your act together and get this resolved! It’s time to man up, walked across the hallway and get to work!
I am heartbroken by what is happening. The greatest nation on this earth is faltering and nearly on its knees. It’s time to stop spending billions of dollars on relief aid to other countries. It’s time to take care of our own. And that starts with our military.
So, last week I was on vacation or staycation or whatever you call taking paid time off and staying in your house – learning how not to manage your condition! I wish I could say that it was a great time, but it wasn’t – although I’ve learned a few things. And I am confused by a few things. For instance, why is it that I can manage to work 40 hours a week (and actually spend 45 sitting behind my desk but that’s another story!), come home and help with dinner ( as often as possible) watch TV and collapse into bed only to get back up the next day and do it all over again. But I can’t manage to go shopping for a few hours one day without sitting around on my behind all day the next day. Granted, after working all week I am a slug on the weekends. It’s very hard for me to find the motivation to do anything on the weekends.
I thought I had some doable goals for the week like clean off the corner of the dresser. Of course I had some pretty lofty goals as well like move the bedroom furniture! But I didn’t either of those things. I don’t know I just felt tired last week and I had the opportunity to give in and sleep so I did. And I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad thing yet. I guess, it is what it is, but I need to figure out how to get some joy back into my life and sleeping isn’t going to do it!
Now in all fairness I did get some things done that I feel really good about. I finished a book (Bellman and Black, review coming) and started a new one (The One I Left Behind). I moved all of my pictures to the external hard drive and I started moving my digital layouts into folders and years. And I’ve decided to print them and use pocket pages to include any additional photos I might have. And I’ve deleted some duplicate digital files. I uploaded a bunch of pictures for printing for Mom and have worked on scrapbook pages for an album she is working on. I combined a few albums and I am working on an idea for a class!
But my prevailing thoughts centered on the things I really wanted to do (like move the furniture or go to IKEA) but knew I couldn’t. My heavens! I was barely able to make dinner on Monday while my poor mother suffered through agonizing cramps and vomiting. Whoever thought that making spaghetti could take so much effort! It would be awesome if there was a scale somewhere that could tell you how much energy you needed to do a certain task and a meter to tell you if you had it in you!
Dr. Jacob Teitelbaum, MD, said, “Fibromyalgia represents an energy crisis. You’re spending more energy than you can make.”
Amen to that!
I don’t know why but I didn’t expect to feel so wounded, so raw, so broken. After all, it was just a dream – that repeated itself every hour and half until I woke up. The dream? My husband was cheating on me.
Thanks to my fibromyalgia I don’t sleep too well anyway and I usually do not dream or I do not remember my dreams. When I do dream, I generally feel great the next day. Restorative sleep will do that for a person.
This dream? I don’t remember anything about it except that my husband was cheating. I don’t how I knew this. Did he tell me? Did I catch him? Did someone else tell me? I simply just don’t know. I do know that my husband is NOT cheating on me and wouldn’t. I know people say this all the time but he’s not the type. Truly. I am probably more likely to cheat than he is – and that is definitely not how I roll.
I’m not sure what event or conversation or ? would have sparked this dream. I’m sure some of the barbs I’ve placed around my heart have hurt him as well as my seeming indifference at times. For this, I truly beg forgiveness.
We’ve been through so much in our 17 years of marriage – not all bad but definitely challenging. I am choosing to pin my hopes here:
“We’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again”
I know mixed blessings usually consist of a little good and a little bad. But the blessings from this weekend were all good – no actually wonderful.
My “other brother” called Friday night to say he was in town and wanted to stop by on Saturday if that was OK. Now you need the background. You see, my “other brother” is my brother’s best friend. We’ve known him for 42 years. I know it sounds like a lifetime and it is but it’s been just a blink of an eye. There has been children and wives and girlfriends and jobs and wars. And worry and love – always love. We hadn’t seen him for a while, about 4 years. And for a bit he was off the grid – and in Chile. So it was a quick couple hour visit but it was so elevating to the heart and soul. And the bonus was meeting his new lady. Lovely woman – inside and out. So looking forward to seeing them again soon.
Fast forward to late afternoon Saturday and the phone rings. It’s my nephew in Virginia. We haven’t heard from him in a long time either. And that’s another story – the story of a little boy we held in our hearts for years that didn’t know we existed until he was 14. He was such a delightful little boy and we all just adored him. Now he is in the Coast Guard and married with a stepson of his own. Talking to him was an absolute joy. I don’t think we could ever understand how awe-inspiring his timing was and how much joy he brought to my home that day.
We were mentally and emotionally exhausted after our visit; the phone call totally knocked us out! Yes, we are a bunch of sentimental old fools but we know what our true treasures are and the coincidental (or Heavenly Father just reaching out to us) crossing of these two unlikely events was miraculous! Simply miraculous. And blessed.
Things happen that make us sad or angry. But I love it when you just smile, put your head down and barrel through it.
Frustration is a daily occurrence. But I love it when you feel good enough to talk to me about it.
Disappointment sucks and waiting can seem like forever. But I love the way you are learning to find some sort of acceptance.
Bad stuff doesn’t last forever unless you let it. Anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment and impatience are feelings everyone has but they are also a choice. We all have the power to choose to let go of those negative feelings and find something good, something fulfilling, something that makes us laugh or smile.
You are learning this and I know it is hard. But I am so proud of you – and so sad. My baby is growing into such a fine young man. And this mama’s heart is still not quite ready for that.
Prologue: I started writing this post and realized it was going to sound whiny and like I was complaining. And who wants to read that? And okay it still might sound whiny and complaining but I am trying to find some peace and acceptance for the ways my life is changing. It is what it is (I know my mom is cringing right now; she hates it when I say that). Some things you just can’t fight or in order to fight it you need to just “be” with it for a while first.
Now that FM pretty much rules my life, I find TV to be my thing “to do”. It’s just really annoying that I have so little energy by the end of the day that I’m basically trapped with TV, reading or sleeping. And even though there is a lack of energy, there is not a lack of desire to do something else. And yet, the thought of attempting to do something – anything – else is so tiring. Or if I actually do something else, I really pay for it for days afterwards. It’s a no win situation but it’s what I’ve got. How I have survived the summer I will never know! How many re-runs of re-runs can you watch? Shows that used to be favorites are now just grating on my nerves. I hear the theme music or see the show intro and think “AGAIN!”
I remember as a child (yes, back in the olden days when TV was not in HD and TV guide was the only way to find out what was on) television shows had their series premieres right after Labor Day (in the US). And you could count on a new episode nearly every week until summer. We didn’t have Fall season premieres, Spring season premieres and Summer premieres. I can remember when Spring replacements shows were the thing. So now a season is 8 to 13 weeks of programming. What??
So, anyway, back to the couch – I am on countdown to the next season of Survivor. The gods that be at CBS certainly got this one right! Want to draw a REALLY big audience? Be the first kid on the block with new episodes. I can’t be the only one chomping at the bit, just waiting for something new to stimulate what few brain cells I have left! So we are about 30 hours away – but who’s counting? J
And we are still a whole week (or more) away from premieres of “Person of Interest”, “Elementary”, “Once Upon a Time” and my standard police shows – “Hawaii Five-O”, “NCIS”, ”Blue Bloods”, etc. So I guess I’ll wait another week to bring out the yarn to start a new project when I can settle in for some entertainment.